Who Are You When Nobody Is Watching?

I want to continue on from last Sunday if I may. Not that the readings this week are any worse, but I think integrity and its role in our lives, in my life, is the core of living in a manner that we might think of as, in a loose term, 'correct'. So this week, lets take a look at ourselves in the mirror.

We spend a lot of our lives being seen.

At work, we want to look competent and we want people to know we can be relied upon.

At home, we want to be a good partner and a good parent, this is where we want our family to see the best version of us.

At church, we want to look like people of faith, who know what to do and when.

And then there is the social us. us at events, gatherings, social media, where we can carefully choose the bits of our lives that everyone else gets to see. We can craft an image. And, we become pretty good at managing that image.

But what happens when there is no audience? When nobody is watching?

Lat week we spoke about integrity, but this is where integrity really begins.

Because it is easy to be patient when everyone is watching. It is easy to be generous when someone will notice. It is easy to say the right thing when saying it makes us look like the person we want others to believe we are.

But what about when we are tired?

When the email lands at the wrong moment.

When the children are pushing every button we have.

When our partner has annoyed us and we know exactly which words will hurt them.

When we could cut a corner at work and nobody would ever know.

When we are alone with our phone and nobody knows what we are looking at.

When we have the choice between what is right and what is simply easier.

Who are we then?

That is the uncomfortable question. And it is one I think Jesus puts in front of us last week.

He tells the story of a father who asks his two sons to go and work in the vineyard.

One says no, but later changes his mind and goes.

The other says yes, but doesn't actually go.

On the surface, the second son has given the right answer. He has said exactly what his father wanted to hear.

But his actions tell a different story.

And that is the point.

Jesus isn't particularly interested in the image we create if our lives don't match it.

We can say the right things. We can know the right things. We can even convince other people that we are the right sort of person. But eventually life asks a much more difficult question:

Does your life actually match your words?

That question isn't just about our faith. It's about everything.

• I can tell myself that family is important, but does my family get the best of me or whatever is left after work, my phone and everything else?

• I can say that my marriage matters, but how do I speak to my wife when I am frustrated?

• I can say that honesty matters, but what do I do when telling the truth costs me something?

• I can say that my faith matters, but does it make any difference to the way I behave when I am exhausted, angry or disappointed?

And perhaps most importantly, who am I when nobody is there to applaud me for getting it right?

Christianity isn't about creating a convincing image. It is about becoming;

Becoming more like Christ.

Becoming more honest about our weaknesses.

Becoming the person God is calling us to be, not simply the person we would like other people to think we are.

That doesn't mean we get everything right. Far from it.

The first son in the Gospel gets it wrong too. He says no. But something changes. He turns around. He goes and there is something incredibly hopeful about that.

Integrity doesn't mean never getting it wrong. It means being prepared to recognise when we have got it wrong and do something about it.

It means the person I am becoming matters more than the image I am protecting.

And maybe that is the challenge for us this week.

Not to ask, “What do people think of me?”

But:

“Who am I becoming when nobody is watching?”

Because eventually the image becomes exhausting.

The perfect parent.

The successful worker.

The patient partner.

The faithful Catholic.

The person who has everything together.

None of us can sustain that image forever and perhaps we don't need to.

Perhaps God isn't asking us to perform.

Perhaps He is asking us to be honest enough to let Him work on the person underneath the image.

The person who gets tired.

The person who loses patience.

The person who sometimes chooses themselves.

The person who says no when they should say yes.

The person who gets it wrong and needs to turn around.

That is where grace gets to work.

So tomorrow, when nobody is watching, notice who you are. Not to beat yourself up, not to pretend you're worse than you are. Just notice.

Because the person you are when nobody is watching is not irrelevant to God. In fact, it might be the very person He is inviting you to become.

And as a person of faith, does what I believe actually make its way into the ordinary, messy, exhausting reality of my life?

Maybe integrity isn't about making sure everyone sees the right version of us.

Maybe it is about becoming the same person whether anyone is looking or not.